Mismatched Desires: How Important is Sexual Frequency?

Mismatched desire, or desire discrepancy, refers to a situation in which one partner has a higher or lower desire than their partner. It's a common relationship dynamic because it's unlikely for our sexual interests to perfectly align with another person's, especially consistently throughout the entire relationship. Desire discrepancy or low sexual desire is the most common concern that couples seek support for. Struggling with desire in our relationships can be distressing, and clients often feel stuck without direction for change. As a sex therapist in Chicago, IL, that's where I come in! 

While clients may focus on the frequency of sex they are having or want to have each week, I prefer to de-emphasize this fixation on "frequency" from the start of our treatment. The emphasis on sexual frequency often stems from the belief that having more sex would solve problems. In reality, desire discrepancy is often more nuanced than just wanting or not wanting sex, and complex problems require complex solutions. In this blog, I will explain why the problem is not sexual frequency and provide suggestions for the types of things we should be considering as we explore how to align our desires with our partner's.

Let's discuss the common concerns of each partner. The partner with a higher desire often feels rejected, unimportant, unwanted, and controlled by their partner's lack of interest in sex. If not supported, this can lead to resentment and pain, so it's important to navigate these emotions with the help of a licensed sex therapist.

On the other hand, the partner with lower desire often feels burnt out, guilty, pressured, and like a failure. These difficult feelings can cause them to withdraw further from their partner because it's painful to continually hear that they're not meeting their partner's expectations.

It sounds awful, doesn’t it? Both partners often struggle deeply and don’t know how to bridge this gap. Even if they understand intellectually that low desire isn’t personal, it feels very personal. The longer couples are stuck in this cycle, the more painful the emotions become. If you are experiencing a similar dynamic in your relationship, I strongly encourage you to reach out and connect with a licensed sex and couples therapist who can help you understand each other and work together on meaningful solutions to build the sex life you deserve.

Sex is about more than just how often it happens. It’s not just a mechanical act, but a playful and intimate experience shared with another person. It’s not something we should just check off a list or do because it’s been a certain number of days since the last time. Even when someone desires a certain frequency of sex, what they really want is to feel more connected and wanted. They want to feel free and relaxed together, without the pressure of it being a big deal. It’s much more than just keeping track of how many times we have sex in a month.

Here are some questions to ask yourselves as you take a step back from tracking frequency and step towards authentic and meaningful sex:

Why do I have sex? Is it for excitement? Comfort? As a favor? To feel good in your body? For intimacy? To relax? For validation? To help calm your mind? To feel powerful? For physical pleasure? To feel wanted?

Think about the times when sex was enjoyable and pleasurable. Consider what was happening in your body, how you felt about your partner, and the type of sex you were having. There are no right or wrong answers - only real ones. Understanding what contributes to pleasurable experiences can help us seek similar future opportunities. 

Similarly, consider times when you felt desire was inaccessible. What was happening in your body and your mind? How did you feel about your partner, and what type of sex were you considering? By understanding these factors, you can learn how to navigate and address challenges related to desire and pleasure.

TLDR: Desire is complex and it’s helpful to shift the focus from sexual frequency to improving the quality of our sexual experiences. Learn why you have sex/want to have sex and explore the contextual factors that create a quality sexual experience for you and your partner. If you are interested in exploring and enhancing your relationship with sex, please feel free to contact me and schedule a consultation to discuss how sex therapy in Chicago can help you.

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Love vs. Desire: Demystifying Low Sexual Desire in Long-Term Relationships