Love vs. Desire: Demystifying Low Sexual Desire in Long-Term Relationships
Many of the clients I work with can recall the early stages of their relationship and say that sex was easy and consistent in the beginning. They remember not being able to keep their hands off each other and feeling sexually compatible. Over time, desire and sex became more elusive and confusing. Desire might have decreased for one or both partners, and they feel like entirely different versions of themselves compared to the early days. Clients struggling with low sexual desire in long-term relationships can often feel hopeless, as though the only way to feel deeply erotic again would be to have sex with a new person. Their current relationship might feel lacking in terms of eroticism, and they are concerned about how to move forward. This is deeply distressing, and it’s also normal. Understanding why desire was strong in early relationships (New Relationship Energy) can help us learn what contributed to vibrant sexual experiences earlier in our relationship. It can also help us make changes in the present so that we can enjoy sex again with the partner we’ve built a life with.
In his book The Erotic Mind, Dr. Jack Morin states that the erotic equation describing the conditions necessary for fulfilling sex is: attraction + obstacles = excitement.
Desire is not always about pleasurable, good, connective, feelings. There is often a sense of tension, which can be both uncomfortable and thrilling at the same time. We are excited about what lies ahead, but we are not entirely sure what will happen next. How long will we have this person with us, and where will things go? In an effort to get to know this new person better, we present our best selves. We make intentional efforts to consider how we look, smell, and behave around them. Our goal is to leave them with a positive impression and to encourage them to stay in connection with us. It’s exciting, terrifying, and certainly erotic.
Can you recall how you felt when you first started dating your partner? You were probably really interested in their upcoming events, eager to show your support for their interests, and fully engaged when spending time together. The person in front of you was new and exciting - you wanted to know more and discover more. Can you remember how this curiosity extended into your sexual experiences? Maybe you were interested in their preferences, how their bodies reacted to different experiences, and what aroused them. Perhaps you approached each sexual encounter with a sense of curiosity and a desire for your partner to feel pleasure. It’s all so electrifying! The challenging truth is that these intense feelings eventually fade. Unless we continue to date new partners, these feelings will inevitably diminish, and we settle into the routine of a long-term relationship.
Circling back to Morin’s equation, in long-term relationships, we may have the “attraction” ingredient, but the “obstacles” have been removed. This is with your partner - you’re committed, there’s no carrot to be dangled - you’re in it now.
One common source of distress for couples in long-term relationships is feeling broken for not wanting sex with the person they deeply love. Due to a lack of proper sex education, many of us have been taught that love equals desire. This means that if we love someone, we should desire them. While it's possible for love and desire to coexist, they are often separate experiences. Take some time to consider your relationship with love and your relationship with desire.
Desire feels like…
As a young person, I was brought up to believe desire was…
If desire were a color, it would be…
If I could taste desire, it would taste like…
I physically feel desire in/on my…
When I talk about desire, I feel…
My strongest experience of desire to date was/could be…
Love feels like…
As a young person, I was brought up to believe love was…
If love were a color, it would be…
If I could taste love, it would taste like…
I physically feel love in/on my…
When I talk about love, I feel…
My strongest experience of love to date was/could be…
Were you surprised by any of your reflections? Notice the words you chose to describe desire compared to the words for love. Are there similarities? Differences? How do you feel about what you are noticing?
After reading this blog, I hope you are beginning to understand and destigmatize your own experience or your partner’s experience of low desire in a long-term relationship. It is normal to struggle with longing for someone whom we know will always be there. We can deeply love someone, be grateful to be in a relationship with them, and want to be with them for the rest of our lives, while at the same time experiencing minimal sexual desire towards them. Be on the lookout for an upcoming blog on how to cultivate feelings of longing, lust, and desire for our long-term partners.
If you are interested in exploring and enhancing your relationship with sex, please feel free to contact me and schedule a consultation to discuss how sex therapy in Chicago can help you.