8 Ingredients of Magnificent Sex
In their book, Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, Peggy Kleinplatz & A. Dana Ménard share their findings from the largest, in-depth interview study ever conducted with people who are having extraordinary sex. I always enjoy sharing these findings with sex therapy clients that I work with because the 8 major components of magnificent sex are wildly different than the tips and tricks we read in magazines or the way that sex is often portrayed in movies. Great sex is not necessarily about being sexually “skilled”, it’s about being fully present and connected to yourself and your partner. Although these components are more nuanced than the traditional “5 Steps to Blow His Mind with Oral”, they are authentic and straight from the perspectives of people who self-identified as having incredible sex lives. Read ahead to learn about these important building blocks for fulfilling sexual experiences and how sex therapy in Chicago can help.
Being Completely Present in the Moment, Embodied, Focused, Absorbed
According to most research participants, the factor that distinguishes “meh” sex from incredible sex is the degree of presence that each partner brings to the experience. This entails feeling completely absorbed and lost in the moment, without any awareness of time, and being fully attuned to one’s own body. Some participants compared this state to being in a “flow state,” where the experience is so enjoyable that one engages in it purely for the joy of it. As a sex therapist, I often find myself teaching my clients the importance of being present in the moment and getting in touch with their bodies. Without this connection, it’s challenging for people to understand what feels good, what could feel better, and stay connected with their partner during sexual experiences.
2. Connection, Alignment, Being in Synch, Merger
This element refers to one’s connection to themselves and their partner. Participants referenced terms such as “electricity”, “energy”, and “conductivity” to describe what this feels like in action. Some people reflected on their experience of witnessing others have sex that appeared to resemble this quality of connection and alignment. When asked how they could tell that they were observing people who were truly enjoying the experience, one participant referred to reading their facial expressions and inferring that there was nothing else that these two individuals would rather be doing at that exact moment. Reflecting on the concept of “being present in the moment”, we can see how this quality is closely related to feeling connected and aligned in an experience. If we are not fully present, it’s difficult to establish a connection, and if we are not in tune with our body, it’s difficult to fully engage in the experience.
3. Deep Sexual and Erotic Intimacy
Many participants shared that the intensity of their emotional depth in a relationship is directly related to the quality of their sexual experiences with that person. In other words, a relationship with depth = a relationship with erotic intimacy. There is often a societal expectation that women need emotional intimacy to enjoy sex, while men do not. In this study, the importance of deep intimacy was reported by almost everyone that the researchers interviewed, there were no gender differences.
4. Extraordinary Communication and Deep Empathy
This element refers to communication before, during, and after sexual experiences. Participants shared that the freedom to fully express themselves to their partner was a contributing factor to them feeling more fulfilled sexually. People also referred to the enjoyment of being with a sexual partner who can directly share what they enjoy or like, such as giving a “hands-on” demonstration for how and where they enjoy being touched. It is common in the early stages of a relationship for couples to be eager and curious about touch and as the relationship progresses, we often go through the motions to ‘get the job done’ versus approach sex as an experience of exploration. People who are having magnificent sex strive to continually learn new information about their partners bodies - they are motivated to see where the journey takes them.
5. Being Genuine, Authentic, Transparent
Many of my clients express their desire to be able to fully express themselves during sexual experiences. They long for a safe and secure environment where they can share their deepest desires without fear of judgement. To have a partner who not only accepts you for who you are but also becomes excited by your vulnerability is a crucial aspect of true sexual connection. One woman shared the pleasure she experienced when feeling unconditionally accepted by her partner, “Getting to that point where I am completely stripped bare emotionally, physically, you know, spiritually. If they can reach in, and grab whatever they want, and take it out, look at it, play with it, you know, whatever and I love it.” (Kleinplatz et al., pg. 28)
6. Vulnerability and Surrender
Surrendering is a feeling of true safety when you let go and trust that your partner will take care of you, even when you have your guard down. Some participants have described this feeling as “emotionally jumping off a cliff” and recognizing that someone is there to catch them. To fully surrender in the presence of another person, one must have deep trust that this will deepen your shared connection and that it is safe to do so.
7. Exploration, Interpersonal Risk-Taking, and Fun
Risk-taking in a sexual context refers to playing, pushing and expanding your own personal boundaries. It’s the process of pushing your own envelope and seeing where that takes you. You might discover something about your partner but you will almost certainly discover something about yourself. To tap into this dimension of magnificent sex, a light-hearted sense of play is required. This is an opportunity to not take things so seriously, explore the present moment, and see where things can go. When we get in our heads about the right position or optimal sexual performance, we take the fun and lightness out of sex. When was the last time you pushed your own limits in a sexual context? When was the last time you learned something new about yourself? The possibility of using sex as a vehicle for our own self-knowledge and expansion is one of the best parts of the entire experience.
8. Transcendence and Transformation
When I assign this chapter as homework to my clients, they usually come back to me with feedback such as, “Transcendent sex? I’m not sure about that, but the other 7 points were interesting to read.” If you are having a similar thought while reading this blog, that’s perfectly fine. Some of the participants in the study who valued ‘transcendence’ in their sexual experiences shared that they felt transported to another place where time seemed to stand still. In other words, they were so absorbed in the moment that they felt suspended in time. It’s important to understand that good sex is not just a frivolous desire or a luxury, but a life-altering experience that connects our bodies, minds, and spirits.
What is my major takeaway from this research? Sex is wildly complex and simultaneously simple. While playing around with the newest sex toys and sex positions can certainly add variety and novelty to a sexual experience, they are not necessarily the essential ingredients of a quality sexual experience. Presence, connection, playfulness, vulnerability, and authenticity are the essential components of a fulfilling and transformative sexual experience. If you are interested in exploring and enhancing your relationship with sex, please feel free to contact me and schedule a consultation to discuss how sex therapy in Chicago can help you.