What is EFT Couples Therapy?

I absolutely love working with clients through an Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) lens. Before becoming a therapist, I became familiar with Sue Johnson (founder of the EFT model) books and geeked out over the way that she made sense of human connection and relationships. Reading about Sue’s work with couples helped me understand the patterns in my own relationships and the cycles of disconnection that occur in every meaningful relationship in our lives. By the time I started my Masters program, I knew that I wanted to be an EFT couples therapist. I love explaining to clients the ‘why’ behind this theory because it is one of the only evidence-based modalities for couples work and is truly a life changing experience as the therapist and client. Let me explain to you what this theory is all about!

Emotion-focused couples therapy is a form of therapy that is rooted in attachment theory, which suggests that humans have an innate need for emotional connection and consistently prioritize the feeling of security in their relationships. We begin with an assessment process where I learn about your relationship dynamics, communication patterns, emotional responsiveness, and attachment styles. 

Assessment

The assessment helps provide me with information on what is happening for you but it is also to help you begin to make sense of the patterns that are unfolding. When couples reach out to begin therapy, they are often in a cycle of distress and disconnection. When we are in this type of state, it can be difficult to make sense of what is happening internally and between us, even if it feels like we are reliving it every time we get into an argument. 

Identifying Negative Interaction Patterns

We then move into understanding ‘negative interaction patterns’ which describe the way that we get stuck when we experience conflict or disconnection. This looks different for every couple but often involves criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or escalation. When our relationships are being threatened, it sends our systems into a primal panic -this union that matters so much to us “isn’t going well” and we feel the need to react. One of the reasons why I love EFT so much is that it is a non-pathologizing model that seeks to understand and validate. There is always a reason behind why someone is showing up how they are in a relationship and it’s very rarely because they simply don’t care or that they wish to inflict harm on their loved one. They are often doing the absolute best they can to create a sense of safety during a moment in time when everything feels deeply unsafe. 

Exploring Emotions and Attachment Needs

As we continue with the therapy process, I guide clients through a process of being able to identify and share their emotional needs with their partner. We are always seeking to get our needs met but we don’t often have the means to communicate this with our loved ones. Clients often share with me that they are surprised to learn what is “under the surface” for their partner - so often we have created our narratives around how our partner feels about us and our relationship that it can be illuminating and extremely connective to gain clarity on what is actually going on and how much they truly do care about us. 

Restructuring Emotional Bonds

Once we understand our “negative cycle” and have clarity on our attachment and emotional needs, we can work together to create more positive interaction patterns. Modeling empathy, understanding, and responsiveness to our partners is the foundation of new cycles in our relationship that lead to greater emotional connection.

Effective Communication Skills

What’s the one thing that every couple reports wanting to work on in therapy? Communication :) As an EFT therapist, my goal is to help couples improve their communication skills by teaching them active listening, emotional expression, and validation techniques. This enables them to navigate and experience their inner worlds in a healthy and supportive way. Through my sessions, I encourage my clients to adopt a new way of communicating with each other, which is essential for a connective relationship.

Maintaining a Secure Relationship

One of the things that sets EFT apart from other therapeutic modalities is that it has a focus on sustainable and long-term change for the couple. It can be helpful to be equipped with new communication tools and strategies for conflict, but ultimately what creates long-term change for people is when they see their partner as an emotional safe haven. This creates a space of vulnerability, trust, and the ability to share one's internal world. The work of EFT is highly experiential - meaning that we are aiming to create new patterns of interactions in our sessions so that you can take this out into the world with you and bring it back to your home together. 

If you are interested in exploring and enhancing your emotional connection, please feel free to contact me and schedule a consultation to discuss how EFT couples therapy in Chicago can help you.