Emotional Regulation: Strategies for Handling Intense Feelings

What is emotional regulation and what does it mean to be regulated? Emotional regulation involves exerting control over our emotional states. Emotional dysregulation happens when we can’t use strategies to manage negative emotional states, leading to consequences. If you spend time around young children, you are likely familiar with their intense emotional reactions to seemingly minor events. Young children rely on the adults in their lives to model emotional regulation for them. If you’ve ever hugged a small child while they are crying and eventually you notice their bodies relax and “exhale” as they slow their breathing and come back into a more calm state - you have helped them regulate. As we grow older, our ability to tolerate stress widens, but the need to regulate our emotions remains crucial for mental health and relationships. Dropping our sandwich on the floor might be frustrating, but we probably aren’t going to break down and sob for hours, as a toddler would (depends on the sandwich and level of hunger, I suppose…) However, the need to regulate and the universal struggle to process our emotional responses does not go away with time or age. As a couples therapist in Chicago IL, I know that emotional regulation is a crucial component of mental health, general well-being, and relational connectedness. 

When I was in graduate school, we learned nothing about the nervous system or stress responses. Once I started practicing couples therapy in Chicago, I was shocked to recognize that this massive component had been overlooked in formal education. SO many relational concerns are a function of two dysregulated people trying their best to connect without having the capacity to do so, because they are wildly dysregulated. I knew that this had to become an integral part of my work with couples and the education I provide to them at the outset of our work together. To not talk about our nervous systems in therapy is to miss a massive component of well-being. 

When we are not regulated, we cannot be relational. In relationships, having communication tools and templates is great, but in reality, when one or both partners start to feel overwhelmed, those tools often go out the window because they enter a stress response. This stress response can manifest as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, and it’s essentially an inner struggle for survival.

This blog post shares practical techniques for mastering emotional regulation to help you manage difficult emotions and be present with yourself and your partner.

Step One: Label Your Emotions

In order to regulate ourselves, we need to know what we are feeling. A feelings wheel is an easy way to help articulate your emotions. Start by identifying your current emotional state based on the outer circles primary emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise and disgust. Once you find the section that resonates best, work your way to the middle and inner circles of the wheel to pinpoint the feeling that closely matches your experience.

Step Two: Pause

Take a moment to pause and regroup. How does it feel to land on this particular emotion-focused word? Was it easy or hard to get here?

Step Three: Breathe

Take a breath. Slow down and focus on the natural rhythm of your breathing. Can you focus on the inhale and exhale and try to draw both out?

Step Four: Observe

Take note of the thoughts currently running through your mind. Where is your attention focused and what sensations are you noticing in your body? 

Step Five: Zoom Out

Step back and look at what's happening inside you. What would a trusted friend say to you if they were sitting next to you? Are your feelings based on facts or opinions? How important is your current experience, and will it matter in a week's time or six months from now? Notice if anything shifts inside of you as you widen this perspective and pullback from the emotional experience.

Step Six: Proceed Gently and Carry Forward.

What is the best thing to do right now? What can I do to help myself or another person? What feels best and most appropriate that is within my value system?

These are the steps for getting a grasp on our emotional experience and figuring out how we can move forward. It is a skill to be able to “observe” rather than “absorb” an emotional experience. When we can take a mindful observational stance, we are granted the opportunity to get distance from the concerns and bring our thinking brain back online. Intense emotions can be scary and overwhelming, but they are not inherently bad. If we can observe the thoughts that come to us, we can also let them pass through us and go. 

In step six, the "what's next" step, you can consider the basic needs of your physical body such as hydration, movement, sleep, nutrition, and social time. Additionally, you can try the following techniques:

Cold Exposure: Splash your face with cold water, clench ice cubes in your palm until they melt, or take a cold shower.

Deep Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and repeat.

Room Scan: Visually scan your room and describe what you see in as much detail as possible.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Start by clenching and squeezing each muscle in your body from the tip of your head to the tip of your toes. Then, slowly release the tension as you make your way back up your body.

If you are interested in beginning individual therapy or couples therapy in Chicago and learning about your nervous system states, emotional regulation, and somatic therapy -please reach out to set up an initial consultation.