Healing After Infidelity: A Guide to Seeking Reassurance
Trust is a fundamental component of a healthy relationship’s foundation. When we form new relationships, we consciously and unconsciously observe the person in front of us, deciding if they are safe and trustworthy enough for us to let our guard down. The saying “trust takes a lifetime to build and a moment to destroy” explains the slow and intentional process of letting someone in, and the quick shift that can occur when we receive information or cues indicating that this person is not safe for us to be around.
Infidelity, also known as relationship norm violations (RNVs), has a significant impact on our emotional security, connection, reliability, and endurance in our closest relationships. The consequences of broken trust, without proper repair, are insidious in a relationship. An important part of healing from relationship violations is to create a safe space where the hurt partner can ask for reassurance when they need extra support. This blog will provide practical tools and suggestions for how partners can ask for and give reassurance freely so that you can continue rebuilding trust and feeling safer in your relationships.
It’s normal to seek reassurance in a long-term relationship, especially after experiencing a breach of trust. When healing from infidelity, seeking and giving reassurance can be a beautiful exchange of vulnerable feelings that are soothed by loving repair. However, seeking reassurance can also have a negative side. Some partners may become consumed with anxiety about the possibility of another violation, leading them to constantly seek reassurance in a way that only temporarily soothes their worries. I’d like to provide some tools and examples for how to effectively ask for and provide reassurance in a way that acknowledges each partner’s responsibility for their own emotions and fosters a deeper understanding between them.
When seeking reassurance from your partner after an affair or violation, it's important to create a plan for giving and receiving reassurance.
Step 1: As the hurt partner, you need to first understand what would help you feel more secure in the relationship. Take some time for self-reflection to identify what would make you feel safer and then communicate these needs to your partner.
Step 2: Both partners should learn how to support each other during times of distress in the relationship. Offering support, understanding, and care can help the hurt partner feel emotionally supported and balanced.
Once you understand the type of support you need for reassurance, use the following prompts to reflect on and communicate the specific support you require based on the situations you might be facing.
When you feel uneasy, slightly concerned, or preoccupied with thoughts of violation or worries about it happening again:
When I’m beginning to become agitated but not entirely overwhelmed, can you please reassure me by... (putting your hand on my heart and making eye contact with me, share something you appreciate about me, ask if I’d like a hug, etc.)
When you’re fully triggered and need immediate support:
When I’m very upset/flooded/triggered/activated and not able to accept or take in reassurance from you, I really need… (space so I can be on my own, to hear that you love me, a text offering to talk in a few hours, to sit quietly in the same room, etc.)
When you anticipate a challenging or triggering situation approaching:
When we are in a specific situation such as… (one of us is traveling for work, we are going to be coming into contact with the affair partner, we are watching a movie and an affair is part of the plot, etc.), the type of reassurance that is most helpful to me is…. (verbal - reminding me that you love me and that you aren’t going anywhere; touch - offering a hug, kiss, or soothing massage, etc.)
Rebuilding trust and choosing to work through the triggers is hard work. Take a moment to think about times when you have felt supported by your partner through the reassurance they provided when you really needed it. Let them know the specifics about what was happening for you and what they did that was helpful. Partners who are working to regain their trust are often deeply entrenched in their own guilt, so hearing that they are doing something right and that the work of repair is going in the right direction can be helpful for them as well:
When I think of a time where I was needing to be reassured and you really showed up, it looks like the time when… (a time that you felt supported and loved after making a request for reassurance). I think why I appreciated it so much was because… (specific examples of how this made you feel).
Consider your own plans for managing and taking care of yourself when you need reassurance. While having a partner who can support you is important, it's also valuable to be able to support yourself. Communicate your self-care plans with your partner so they understand how you will take care of yourself:
I know that providing reassurance is something that we are both responsible for. I want you to know that I am going to practice self-soothing when I feel activated/distressed by…. (taking a shower, journaling, exercising, eating a nutritious meal, taking a nap, etc.)
If you’re working to rebuild trust after a rupture in your relationship, it’s important to know that it’s possible to repair the relationship and make it stronger. By consistently showing up and communicating your need for safety, you can get through this. Working with a licensed therapist can help streamline this process and guide you through any challenges while acknowledging the progress you’re both making. If you would like to schedule an initial consultation to discuss healing from infidelity, please reach out.