How to Improve Premature Ejaculation
Premature ejaculation is the most common sexual problem for men, often causing feelings of inadequacy and shame. This deep stigma creates barriers for seeking professional support or discussing the issue with a partner. Men struggling with early ejaculation may feel like they are letting their partner down, worry about being selfish lovers, and fear that nothing will help them.
If you do a quick Google search, you might learn about the “squeeze” technique or the “stop and start” technique. The squeeze technique involves having sex is normal than stopping when you feel like you’re about to reach orgasm and gently squeezing the head of your penis, until you feel less excited and ready to begin again. The stop-and-start technique involves monitoring yourself for how close you are to reaching orgasm, then abruptly stopping and trying to think of distracting thoughts. Although these techniques often serve their intended purpose, they ultimately often creates a very unsatisfactory sexual experience for the man and the partner who he is having sex with. When we consider what leads to satisfying sexual experiences, people often mention feeling fully present and in sync with their partner, as well as being in the moment and in tune with their own body. If we are overly focused on reaching orgasm, we may become too consumed by that goal and less connected to ourselves and our partner during sex. When I work with clients who are struggling with early ejaculation, we don’t employ techniques such as the squeeze, or stop-and-start technique. I want to invite my clients into an experience, where they can feel entirely present with their partner, and not overly consumed with monitoring the function of their penis. Below are a few crucial sexual skills that I introduce clients to in our sex therapy process.
Relaxation
Clients often find it counterintuitive because male sexuality is rarely considered from a relaxed point of view. Take a moment to think about the words that come to mind when you think about masculinity and sexuality. Words like intense, aggressive, rigid, hard, and passionate might come to mind. Men often feel the need to “perform” during sexual activity, with force and vigor. In reality, orgasm is a muscular contraction resulting from the right type of stimulation in the right place for a sufficient period. If we are overly tense or tight, we are more likely to ejaculate earlier than desired because our body is already in a state of tension. Learning how to relax our pelvic floor, focus on our breathing, and ground into our 5 senses during a sexual experience are all tools that assist with keeping our body in a state of relaxation for optimal sexual functioning.
Understanding the Point of No Return
There comes a time during a sexual experience where orgasm is inevitable, no matter what was going to happen next, you are going to ejaculate. This is what is referred to as the “point of ejaculatory inevitability”. It is the beginning of the 3-10 second orgasmic response. Understanding your own unique “point of no return” is a skill that involves becoming acquainted with the feelings and sensations that occur moments before you ejaculate. Working towards this understanding is important for improving early ejaculation because you will become more in tune with your body and the climb to orgasm that occurs when you are participating in a sexual experience.
Building Tolerance for Excitement
This involves learning how to maintain high levels of arousal without quickly moving into ejaculation. This skill also involves focusing on your own body’s sensations, welcoming the pleasure that you are experiencing, and allowing yourself to enjoy the experience without being overly flooded with the sensation that you ejaculate faster than you would like to. Maintaining a relaxed body is an important ingredient of this skill.
Being an Intimate Team
This skill involves the other person that you are having a partnered sexual experience with. After all, you are likely seeking out support for premature ejaculation because you want to enhance your sexual connection with another person. Your partner's willingness, support, and understanding are crucial when addressing premature ejaculation. If the information you have read is new to you, it is likely new to your partner as well. When one partner is struggling with a sexual issue, it can be tempting to place all responsibility on that partner, as it is their body. However, as a sex therapist in Chicago, I know that sexual problems are also relational problems. Your partner deserves the opportunity to be supportive and loving, both inside and outside the bedroom. The more we move away from performance-focused sex and towards being an intimate and connected team, the better your sexual experience will be.
Focus on Pleasure
This final tenet speaks to the reason why I don’t encourage clients to use techniques such as the stop-and-start or the squeeze technique. You deserve for sex to be pleasurable! There’s a lot of tough advice out there - wear two condoms, use numbing cream, think about your grandma, the list goes on. There has to be a better way and luckily, there is. It is possible to maintain a connection to your own pleasure while not ejaculating earlier than you would like. As a sex therapist, I encourage clients to work towards ejaculatory control while keeping a consistent awareness of the pleasurable sensations and connection they are experiencing.
If you are interested in exploring and enhancing your relationship with sex, please feel free to contact me and schedule a consultation to discuss how sex therapy in Chicago can help you.